I’m a horror movies addict, cloud starer and writer of countless unfinished stories. And I just created a blog. Well….
I’ve done this before. Created a blog, personalized it and dumped everything I could ever imagine and think into it. Then one day, I woke up and got rid of the whole thing. It was meaningless and it was not about me anymore. I took one look through everything I had ever written on that blog and realized I didn’t believe in most of those things. I had changed so completely that within me everything was twisting and turning into something completely new. I was a whole new person and that moment, that morning, I felt like I was finally coming to terms with myself.
We are born and we grow and grow and until a certain age we do everything that is expected of us. We do things that would not piss our parents off. We try to be good to please our teachers. We love our friends and think the whole world is perfect because they are in it. Then comes one perfect day when you wake and realize that you are not who you say you are and neither are the people around you.
I have been denying simple truths to myself. Life will not be perfect if I put on my good shoes and best smile. Life will be cruel and tough and it will break me unless I remain true to myself and who I am.
I’ve stopped caring about what other people think of me.The last 7 months or so have been the best months of my life. I didn’t deny myself happiness and love and truth. I did what I had to do, what I wanted to do, and what I felt I should do. Why do other people matter? I am civil to them. I respect my parents. I am not dependent on friends. I am more independent now because I finally realized that as long as I don’t harm other people, they can’t complain. And I can be whoever I want.
Even as I write this, I’m aware that some persons might read this and they will judge me. They will judge the way I write, how I think and you have probably already categorized me. It makes me wonder why we are so aware of other people. It’s a strange kind of bond that connects every single person. Everyone is aware of everyone else – subtly or very obviously. It’s not such a bad thing except when you feel like people are connecting your dots to someone else’ dots and taking who YOU are away.
I hope that as I explore my inner feelings and thoughts, I explore myself in the process. I may write my thoughts here, or my stories and some days just pictures of clouds.
Have you ever stared at clouds and couldn’t stop?