(I wrote this on 7th January a few hours before this post.)
It pretty scary so far. Scarier than I thought it would actually be. I’d like some coffee and a croissant for breakfast but I’m too afraid to move from my seat. At the same time I am so curious about what everyone is doing here. Why are they here? I know why I am here – because I like adventures and they scare me.
I look at each person and imagine who they are. He has a girlfriend that dude is a grandfather and the woman with the baby is confused about everything. Then I see advertisements on boards and leaflets and surfaces everywhere and I see that they do have a purpose. I see parents – happy, angry and silent. I see café boards – lit up, abandoned and flickering. Chairs – occupied and empty or almost there. I see hands raising – coffee, pastries and phones. I see people walking – away, closer, nowhere in particular. We all become a mass of transience in airport moments, minutes and hours.
I see fingers, scratching nose, scratching arms, abusing cigarettes. Suitcases gliding, dragging, flying madly at mad heels. I see people – happy, upset, waiting. I see people –
But I am so scared. I am terrified. I am in a position I have never understood before and this really scares me like mad. I want to change and I want this adventure to change me. I want to learn things and I want to see things in new ways. I want to be a new person in an old place looking for things that existed long before any of us. Things of history, science and the current now. But I don’t want to move from my seat. I can’t move at all. What if I miss an announcement? What if I miss my flight? What if?
Airports interest me. It is nice being here albeit frighteningly lonely. I get to see so much newness. So many new people who breathed the same air as I, who lived for days, weeks, months in the same city as I and who are leaving it behind for days, weeks or months just like I am. And this makes me feel interested in what is around me. Why, us humans, move so much.
Around me right now is a lot of chaos. People late, waiting and angry and upset and so many delayed flights and planes landing and taking off and never with me near them, climbing their scary steps, lugging along with my backpack in their alleys.
Cash machines buzzing and voices being carried through light bulb sky and a bird is trapped within. It is so scared and alone in a place where it sees no one like it. All concrete and metal and skin. No feathers save the lace that lines my dress. I want to ask it if it thinks we look important from above or if we are just like cities from the sky – so distant yet so beautifully dangerously powerful.
I just saw a young man smiling like a crazy run away from the mad home and then my eyes fell upon her. The woman with glasses that forever nestled at the near edge of her nose –about to fall with the aid of sweat. But it wasn’t exactly her. Just a moment thrown in by the universe to make my heart feel things. That moment being a person who just happened to be there but was not the actual person.
She was a teacher but she couldn’t connect. She talked about her sons and their mysteries and when I told her about the mystery I published she told me I shouldn’t take things from other people. I never liked her anyway.
I think back to my car ride here. I had a moment of bonding with my brother. I told him all about how I think I don’t read enough, how important it is to love adventures and create them and how I think our cultures and beliefs are so much a part of us that you just can’t exclude them from who you are and what you talk about. And he smiled and I told him his smile was like his little daughter’s and it made him smile more. I told him many things but the best of them is I will miss you.
You know, there are phones always ringing in this place. And just like phones there are babies that never stop crying. Then there is the bird. I feel like its mother is right outside the window, watching it fly around the human jungle and struggle to locate the spot where it can snuggle. What would it create its nest with? Spoons? Lost boarding passes? Discarded empty sugar wrappers? Receipts lying on the floors? What would it make its home with? The strings of sighs and the waiting breaths of humans? Memories left behind?
I’m at this everlasting, never ending airport that doesn’t seem to let me go. And I don’t know if I should go for that coffee and croissant or if I should just wait it out and see if someone takes pity on me and my boarding pass and lets me proceed to the nearest aiplane. Destination unimportant, away.
For me it is a matter of time. But time that proceeds without worry. Only adventures. Perhaps in this scariness of life there are lessons and flashes all thrown in together to create a messy chaotic space where no one is where their destination is.
I am at the airport and it smells like waiting in here.
It has been a crazy day so far. My flight has been delayed by 10 hours, and I had a panic attack because of it. I think adventures are lovely when you have someone to share them with. Being alone is definitely not ideal and I don’t like being in this state of not knowing what is going to happen next – especially when I don’t have someone to discuss all these things with.
But, so far I love where I am. In my own city but in such an unusual and strange situation. It is almost so alien to me to be alone like this. I guess I need to enjoy this crazy adventure while it lasts.
The best part is the sense of liberation I feel after I get some of my tasks done. That’s great. I’ve always talked about how much I love the idea of travelling and now that I am finally doing it…feels pretty awesome. But I still wish I had someone to share this exciting times with. Terrible and exciting. Exciting and upsetting. Upsetting and alone. Exciting.
I’ve bought Redbull and I have some snacks with me. I am so glad my lady’s weakness is not taking its toll on me. It’s really a blessing from God. I also feel safe because of my pockets. I am spending it on whim based on how sensitively upset or vulnerable I am feeling. I am feeling. Alone yet feeling.